I am so depressed that I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through tomorrow. This is not an emergency or cause for alarm — I will make it through, I always have. I’m just saying that at this point I’m not sure how.
These days my life is strange mix of frustrating predictability and an equally frustrating irregularity, and I never know which will be the one that will send me over the edge. I also never know how far over the edge it is to the bottom… or what (who?) will be there for me when I hit the ground.
Who…. who…. who….. that’s an interesting question. Who is left? Who is there for me, really there for me? Earlier this evening I had the depressing thought that the only people I have left are those who have no choice, those who are stuck with me, those who are family either by an act of birth or an act of law.
Of course that isn’t true — the “stuck with me” part, that is. The very first family I had, the family that was mine through the act of my birth, left me on the sidewalk. The family that I have through an act of law, my adoptive family, could leave me at any time also. And even if they don’t up and disappear, they can — and do — find numerous other ways to fail me. The only people left are the family that I chose, and my biggest hugest fear right now is that this depression is either chasing them away or else sowing the seeds for future hatred and resentment.
Tomorrow is another day…. but that’s what scares me. Another day, twenty-four more hours of everything all at once. Of the same and of the unknown. Of the searing loneliness and isolation, and of never having a moment to myself. Is this my path for the foreseeable future? Sometimes this is all feels so new and foreign I wonder if I wandered into someone else’s life sometime last year and forgot to leave. But other times, I can see my indelible fingerprints on my life and I know that I am living the results of my choices (or nonchoices) — no matter where I am, or what I’m doing, or what my “situation” is, I am still me. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow too.