In case you couldn’t tell from the post title, this is a rant. You have been warned.
These are nine different adult Korean adoptees that I met/heard/saw/talked with in real life over the past couple of weeks. It would have been a nice round number if there had been a tenth pisser-offer, but I seriously think that would have put me over the edge.
In no particular order, and with absolutely no apologies:
- The adoptee who tried to prove his superiority by invalidating other people’s feelings of loss.
- The adoptee who is only a casual acquaintance of mine but still thinks it appropriate to ask me, with complete seriousness, if I have considered therapy.
- The adoptee who recalled bringing her adoptive parents to an adoptee-centered gathering and then complained that her parents didn’t feel “welcome”. Hmmm, let’s think about this for a minute now. Maybe that would be….because they weren’t welcome? Exactly which part of “this event is open to all adult adoptees and their spouses and partners” refers to adoptive parents?
- The adoptee who wants to invite adoptive parents to speak at adoptee-centered gatherings, because we need to better understand adoptive parents’ severely neglected point of view. And yes, this is a different person from #3.
- The adoptee who told a large auditorium full of adoptive parents looking for advice that they should tell their adopted children that said children are “gifts”. Who went on to emphasize that it is “very important” that adoptees be repeatedly reminded that they are “gifts”. Of course, it would then be even more important for these parents to prepare for when their kids realize the subtext of being a “gift”… but that part was conveniently left out.
- The adoptee who complained that “only the angry adoptee voices are being heard”. Um, “angry”? Really? I mean, why fight against other people’s labeling of us when we do it to ourselves so well?
- The adoptee who was unable to imagine a single scenario where she would feel the slightest bit of compassion for a woman whose biological child ended up being adopted by someone else. I’m not sure if this person was sadly unimaginative, unaware of instances of trafficking and kidnapping, or simply had a big gaping hole where most people have that thing called a heart.
- The adoptee who told a large auditorium full of adoptive parents looking for advice that “love is enough”. Seriously folks, it was all I could do to keep from screaming when I heard that. And even worse, everyone just nodded their heads in agreement and it went completely unchallenged.
But I think this may be the most egregious one of all:
- #9: The adoptee who monopolized a group discussion in a strict adoptee-only setting to advertise his company (which happens to be **cough** a large international adoption agency headquartered in Eugene, Oregon **cough**) and its great new adoption program in Ethiopia. Who bragged about getting the rules “bent” so that he personally could adopt from Ethiopia even though he is not eligible under Ethiopian law. Who shamelessly laid on the guilt by encouraging us to save needy orphans (like we all once were) by adopting them (like our parents did for us). By the time he was done I was half expecting the initial adoption paperwork to be shoved in front of my face, just waiting for my signature.
….. …..Of course, what I really needed shoved in front of my face was a barf bag.
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Obviously if anybody had said these things, Korean adopted or not, it would have put me on edge. But I can’t deny that coming from the mouths of my fellow adult Korean adoptees, it felt like a punch in the gut.
Am I expecting all other Korean adoptees to agree with me, or to think like me? Although each person on this list was adopted from Korea to the United States, just like me, I’m sure there are a million differences in the families and environments in which we grew up, in the choices we made, and in the lives that we ultimately lead. So to some extent, I really can’t be surprised that we hold such deep differences in adoption-related politics, opinions, and philosophies.
But on the other hand, I found the above adoptees to be rude, myopic, naive, manipulative, ill-informed, unthinking, disrespectful of other adoptees, or simply downright mean. Life is difficult enough as it is. Do we really need to make it more difficult for each other?
WTF?
6 responses so far ↓
btstormb2006 // April 30, 2009 at 12:25 pm |
I would like to add number 10 to your list if I may…..
KAD from large international adoption agency who brings up the names of the Christian couple who founded that company and expects KADs to be thankful we were “handpicked” to become part of the agency’s “family”. I had a telephone conversation with such KAD in which he implied that it is excusable to either lose, never possess or have incomplete information about these orphans prior to their arrival at “their” orphanage , because the founders had a”Christian vision”. To me, this is so incredibly absurd and repugnant on many levels and it makes me wonder how KADs could in good conscious spend their paychecks, working for an organization who is not fully forthright to the 100,000+ KADS they have processed. When will this organization admit that they processed so many adoptees with careless disregard and possibly greed; that they failed in accurate record keeping and validating that these children were truly orphans before being placed with adoptive families? I am not naive and fully aware of “Christians”, who lie, murder, cheat, steal murder and rape, just as commonly as Non-Christians. I personally hold Christians to a higher level when they espouse their faith and expect others to follow suit in the name of their faith. I believe these KADs to be analogous to the black slaveowners who whipped and exploited the labor of their own, just the same as the white slaveowners.
jr // April 30, 2009 at 5:11 pm |
I had to laugh at this post, and I’ll admit I tried to “guess” who some of them were, but gave up because actually I realize there are many who fit the profiles.
I find it always suspect at first with adoptees who work for adoption agencies. Some truly do want to try and make system changes from within; others have fully drank the “kool-aid.”
#9 totally made me want to vomit. It’s always the worst to me when one perpetrates oppression on one’s own group.
Sang-Shil // May 1, 2009 at 1:24 pm |
bstormb: While I’m not sure how comfortable I am with the comparison to slavery, I definitely agree that there are similar elements of — as jr wrote in her comment — oppression perpetrated on members of one’s own group. It’s sad how the internalization and ignorance can be so complete that the people who should be most able to see the truth are actually the most blind to it.
jr: You probably know (or at least have heard of) #9. He’s one of the bigwigs.
Shelise // May 1, 2009 at 7:26 pm |
Yikes, reading that list made my head want to explode. It does go to show how deeply internalized the painful parts of adoption can be and how hard we have to work to make ourselves feel ok about our adoption experience. I have to admit I was once in the “I’m well-adjusted stage”, but I’m glad I was able to evolve from that place. Your blog was once place that helped me do that. Thanks!
btstormb2006 // May 5, 2009 at 11:42 am |
Sang-Shil,
Let me first let you know that I look forward to reading your blog! You have an uncanny ability to speak from your heart and ask those questions many of us have at the surface, but are unable to find the right words. I have the utmost respect for you, your raw honesty and willingness to share your thoughts.
I agree, it sounds harsh, let me see if I can better explain my analogy.
I believe that slavery in the US has similarities to adoptions in Korea:
1) Slaves and Adoptees had no choice.
2) Birth names and Heritage were stripped from Slaves and Adoptees.
3) Slaves and Adoptees were exploited because of the cultural mind-set and a need existed.
When asked to give his “real name” in the interview, Our History was Destroyed by Slavery, Malcolm X declined, because his given last name belonged to his forefather’s white slave master. Malcolm X contended that stripping the slaves of their birth names, slave masters stripped them of their heritage as well. He stood up against the system that perpetuated slavery and oppression by his refusal to say his “real”, “birth”, “legal”, “supposed last name”, or “gifted last name”. Just like slaves, there are KADs who have been purposefully stripped of their birth names. There are also KADs who have been told that their birth names are made up, even when their birth names are correct.
Although Korea has few documented cases of illegal child trafficking, is it because the majority of adoptions have been legitimate or could the reasons be deep rooted within Korea’s system and culture, exploited by outsiders? How many adoptions were completed without the parent(s) knowledge or consent? How many parent(s) gave consent for their child to be sent to the orphanage temporarily, but were forced or intimidated into relinquishment? How many children were stolen by a family member from their birth mothers? How many children were unintentionally separated from their parent(s), but orphanages, police, social workers, etc… refused to locate their parents? These are questions that may never be answered, because of the lack of documentation that seems to be missing from adoption files. There have been few documented illegal child trafficking cases out of Korea. This in itself does not prove that the majority of children were adopted out legitimately, it only proves to me, that the cases are merely undocumented.
My opinion is that documented illegal child trafficking cases from Korea are underestimated, because all the necessary adoption documents were filed and processed, but the protocol to create these documents was too easy with no confirmation requirements. The system itself was flawed and there were willing participants who exploited this system. In my case, my adoption agency who once told my adoptive parents that they gave me my birth name and birth date as I was abandoned on the doorsteps of the orphanage in Seoul when I was a few days old, released a piece of paper to me which revealed that I was abandoned and found by city social section in Taiku, brought to Ilsan from MooKungAi orphanage when I was 2 yrs old, and the origin of my name and birth date are unknown. In addition, they have no records of me prior to Ilsan. This does not prove to me that I was willingly given up for adoption or my parent(s) gave consent for my adoption. I am still looking for that one piece of paper to give me that confirmation. How many KADs are searching for that one piece of paper, just like me?
I believe that adoption from Korea and slavery in the US were similar because humans were exploited because of greed or people blindly acted in the “interest” of others. Just like there were Christians who believed they were in Korea to save children, there were white slave owners who believed they were God-fearing Christians who whipped their slaves into submission for their own good. There were also blacks who became slave masters and whipped their own, because they did not know differently and believed that they were doing right. When I think of KADs in leadership positions within adoption agencies, who either blindly or purposefully take advantage of the flawed systems within intercountry adoption countries, I equate them to the black slave masters. Ignorance does not excuse their behavior, just as the black slave masters were not excused for their actions. Additionally, the end result does not excuse the means by which they achieved their goals. It’s too convenient to excuse bad behavior, because, “unfortunately, that’s how it was then, but it’s better now”. I think it’s very clever for adoption agencies to have adoptees in leadership positions. It will take someone with a personal interest and bravado to be forthright and acknowledge these injustices, so that these KADs without that one piece of paper can move forward and have validation. If it’s not a KAD, who will it be?
I will end this comment with the words of Malcolm X, also from the interview, Our History was Destroyed by Slavery…..
“Mississippi is a little less hypocritical today than Georgia, but both of them are still practicing the same thing. Nowadays, the whites in Georgia bite Negroes with a smile, whereas they used to bite them with a growl. But they are still being bitten and we don’t think that it’s any worse being to be bitten with a smile than it is to be bitten with a growl ”.
serenityinseoul // May 8, 2009 at 4:18 am |
I so appreciated your rant here. I too found myself guessing who some of them were, but gave up like JR did, because there are a number of people who fit the profiles, as she already stated. I used to want to live on a Korean adoptee island, but now I am fully aware that such an island could be disastrous, for as a general whole, we as a population of KADs are much more different than I would have ever liked to have thought…