I’ve written about this topic before (here and here), but John Raible says it so much better:
Yet, even with all this compiled research and information about race and adoption, parents still have not received the message. Too many families still think it is acceptable in 2009 to raise children of color in oppressive white environments as the only brown person for miles around. How many more panels must we sit through where adopted teens tell their heart-wrenching stories before agencies will stop approving the social isolation of adoptees of color? How many more adoptees must sit on panels to share with audiences their stories of single-handedly integrating their otherwise all-white communities? Far too many transracial adoptees still are forced to endure racial and cultural isolation.
(emphasis mine)
What I find most frustrating is that many white adoptive parents take these calls to move to a diverse environment as a mandate for more Chinese school, or Korean culture camps, or Indian restaurants, or anything else that will allow the parents to retreat to their safe enclaves of whiteness at the end of the day. Sending your kids to school day in and day out with children that look like them is very different from sending them to culture school once a week to make paper lanterns. Living in a neighborhood with families and adults of your child’s race is different from seeing people of color in service positions at the local Mickey D’s. In short, being constantly immersed in a diverse environment is entirely different from merely visiting one whenever it happens to be convenient.
I actually read somewhere (and I wish I could remember exactly where) the words of a white adoptive parents who was justifying why she couldn’t possibly staunchly refused to move to an area where more people looked like her children. Other commenters (many of them other white adoptive parents) affirmed her decision by saying (and I’m paraphrasing) “Well, you’re the mom, so if you’re not comfortable living in a certain area, then your kids aren’t going to be, either.”
Which, of course, made me want to reach for a blunt object to hurl at the nearest window. If anything, I think her kids would have been uncomfortable that their mother adopted children of a race that she felt uncomfortable around. Because what could she possibly have been thinking?
As I’ve written before, so often this is more about the comfort of white adoptive parents than anything remotely close to “the best interests of the child”. The racial and cultural isolation is NEVER in any child’s “best interests,” regardless of the “educational opportunities” or “better housing” or whatever other excuses white people want to dig up.
I’m going to repeat a story I’ve told before, about a conversation I had with a white adoptive parent of a Chinese daughter, because I like it that much and it’s my blog:
I mentioned to her that I was adopted, and asked if she was involved with Families with Children from China (FCC) at all. She said that she attended some of their events, but that she actually preferred to be more involved with the (non-adoptive) Chinese-American community center due to some of the attitudes and mindsets towards Chinese-Americans that she had encountered in her particular FCC chapter. Perhaps most significantly, she moved near Chinatown so that her daughter could attend public schools with a high percentage of Chinese-American children.
I didn’t get to talk to her for long, but it didn’t seem like she crossed over that admittedly fuzzy line into cultural appropriation. She knew very well that she wasn’t Chinese herself, and I don’t think she was claiming to be anything (or anyone) that she wasn’t.
Rather, I got the impression that she was happily moving outside of her comfort zone for the person that she loved more than anyone else in the world: her daughter.
Please, please read John’s entire post.
And if you are an adoptive parent, figure out what you need to do, AND THEN DO IT.
Not because I told you to, since I’m sure that “listening to bossy adult adoptees” is another thing that adoptive parents hate doing. And not because it’s easy or simple, because I understand that it certainly ain’t that.
Do it so that twenty years from now, your kids won’t have to ask you why you didn’t.
18 responses so far ↓
윤선 // April 11, 2009 at 2:20 am |
Gosh, I think it’s so important for adoptive parents to live in an area that’s culturally/racially diverse. I had such an awful time when my parents moved to an area that was all white. I’d say it was one of the most awful experiences…
윤선 // April 11, 2009 at 3:03 am |
BTW, do you mind if I mention your post on my blog sometime? I’ve been thinking about this myself lately…^^ If not, that’s cool. Just thought I’d ask first!
Sang-Shil // April 11, 2009 at 12:58 pm |
Hi 윤선 — of course, mention away! I need to catch up on your blog soon too, rather than spending all my time here
Psychobabbler // April 11, 2009 at 9:58 am |
“In short, being constantly immersed in a diverse environment is entirely different from merely visiting one whenever it happens to be convenient.”
This is part of what I was trying to get to in my earlier comment on the other thread, but wasn’t doing it so successfully.
Sang-Shil // April 11, 2009 at 1:16 pm |
Got it — thanks for the clarification. Your point about relationships forming naturally is an important one.
Mei-Ling // April 11, 2009 at 10:57 am |
“Do it so that twenty years from now, your kids won’t have to ask you why you didn’t.”
Funny, because I was reflecting back on my childhood and what my own parents didn’t do, and it makes me wonder, “Why?” and then “Why should I should be having to ASK?”
One of the most common reasons seems to be stemming from “good intentions.” Obviously good intentions are, well, a good thing, but raising a TRA needs to far beyond that.
I mean sure, my parents changed my Chinese name to a legal Canadian name so that I wouldn’t feel “cast out” every time attendance was taken. And yeah they moved to a place that was all-white because they wanted to be near relatives. So then that makes me wonder, “Well, why didn’t you move closer to a Chinese community?”
I think the answer would have been, “Well, we couldn’t *find* a Chinese community. We couldn’t *find* a reasonably diverse community and still be close to extended family. So we ended up moving to _____ because of ____.”
It’s all about intentions, isn’t it? Not necessarily ulterior motives, because from what I’ve witnessed on AP boards, they’re not deliberately rejecting the child’s heritage/language/culture, but it’s about intentions and what they perceive to be “best” for their child.
And I question that “best” aspect very… very… inquisitively. And with a hint of doubtfulness.
It’s not easy in adoption. But then again, when is it supposed to be “easy”? Why should it be “easy”? For the adults, or for the children? I thought it was about the children.
Things could change for their child 20 years down the road. It’s *best* to do it NOW.
Sang-Shil // April 11, 2009 at 1:28 pm |
Mei-Ling — I think it’s interesting that you wrote that the adoptive parents you’ve heard from are not “deliberately rejecting the child’s heritage/language/culture”.
While I agree that this is probably true in many cases, if the final result is that the heritage/language/culture is rejected anyway, then it doesn’t seem to matter whether it was deliberate or not. So I’m not sure that I would agree with your statement that “it’s all about intentions”.
Please let me know if I’m misunderstanding you.
tafel // April 11, 2009 at 4:54 pm |
I found the comments from the adoptive mother regarding the FCC events interesting. My family attends similar events, but I classify them as adoption support, particularly transracial adoptive family support, not cultural experiences. (Mind you, I have not encountered the kind of presumably negative attitudes the other parent was reporting, or I would probably stop going.) But I go to them to hang out with other adoptive families, and so my son has a chance to connect with other transracial adoptees – not to get any meaningful cultural connections. That’s an entirely separate effort, and the more difficult one. I find that a lot of families chalk these adoption-related events up on their mental tally of “cultural activities” – but to me they are nothing of the sort.
Thanks for the link to John Raible, I hadn’t seen his blog before.
Mei-Ling // April 11, 2009 at 11:34 pm |
“While I agree that this is probably true in many cases, if the final result is that the heritage/language/culture is rejected anyway, then it doesn’t seem to matter whether it was deliberate or not.”
Nope, that is – well – sort of what I was getting at.
What I was saying is that – from what I’ve heard – it makes a difference if the intention is to pursue learning the culture/language and finding a balance (even if that balance isn’t found) as opposed to any AP making it overly obvious that they just don’t give a damn enough to make the effort.
What I mean is: it’s *slightly* (and I use that term loosely) better to be able to hear adoptive mom say, “Yes you are Chinese, do you want to learn how to make dumplings?” instead of hearing an ignorant adoptive mom say, “Well you can learn how to make the food but that’s not really ‘your’ culture and you’ll never ‘be’ Chinese by learning how to make them anyway.”
Okay, so that was a bad example, but maybe that illustrates my point a bit better? ^^
Sang-Shil // April 13, 2009 at 10:38 am |
I agree that that was a bad example. A large part of my original point was precisely that activities like making dumplings (or paper lanterns, or those Korean hacky sacks, or whatever) are qualitatively different from moving to a diverse area. You could try picking some other cultural activity, but I think it would just have the same problem.
Because at least in this post, I’m not really interested in culture-as-approved-by-adoptive-parents, or even in adoptive parents’ intentions at all. I am much more interested in benefits obtained through living among people of an adopted child’s race, benefits that extend far beyond traditional interpretations of the word “culture”.
Furthermore, my goal in writing this post (and in pointing people to John’s) was to advocate for adoptees, NOT to judge which adoptive parents are doing a “slightly” better job than other adoptive parents. Feel free to give out pats on the back for good intentions if you want, but adoptive parents will have to do a lot more than that for me to take notice.
missinpiece // April 12, 2009 at 3:07 pm |
Great post Sang-Shil. I also read John Raible’s post – thought it was excellent and completely on point. It is my biggest complaint against how I was raised: why did we live in a rural, white community and why did I not know any black people until I was in grade 7.
Sang-Shil // April 13, 2009 at 7:23 pm |
Thank you everyone for your comments thus far, and especially to adult transracial adoptees 윤선, Mei-Ling, and missinpiece for your thoughts on growing up in predominantly white environments.
Further comments are welcome, but please make sure that they address this topic and add something substantive to the conversation.
Thanks!
atlasien // April 15, 2009 at 10:46 am |
My mother moved me to a very white area when I was 7. I had a hellish time there and have just recently felt strong enough to start writing about the ridiculous amounts of racist abuse I experienced throughout elementary and junior high.
I can’t say I have no resentment against my parents about that, but I don’t really blame them. My mother was single at the time, had no money and needed support from her parents. Moving to that area meant I got to grow up with my grandparents, who I loved dearly. So I try hard to keep my anger focused on the people and institutions that abused me, not the people who indirectly allowed the abuse to happen, and I also try hard to look forward and not be overcome by regret, but that’s a difficult and no doubt lifelong project. The first time I visited Hawaii, I loved it, but I did not anticipate the waves of sadness that kept hitting me at random intervals… thinking how much more secure I would have felt growing up there.
So I empathize very strongly with TRA accounts of growing up in non-diverse environments, although I’m not adopted and don’t want to speak over (or in place of) the adoptee accounts.
One thing my experience taught me is that all kinds of families have much less control over their children than they think. As children get older, they learn more outside the home than they do inside. And from the inside you cannot control what they learn on the outside. All parents need to understand this, but adoptive parents especially need to have humility in this regard. I have seen an amazing amount of denialism especially in Chinese adoptive parent communities. I was once accused of being a fascist for suggesting that white parents should not be allowed to adopt from China if they lived in an area that was less than 10% Asian. I though my suggestion was pretty mild! But if there are already a myriad of rules for adopting from a country (e.g. BMI, date of marriage, heterosexuality, financial) then why not residency, which has such a huge effect on the children?
Sang-Shil // April 21, 2009 at 1:16 pm |
I agree that looking forward and not being overcome by regret is a lifelong project. Blame and resentment (and anger) are tricky things, and I try to remember that a) we will never really know anyone’s entire story and b) our perception of other people’s control over their situations is prone to numerous cognitive distortions.
But recalling your statement that people who are not independently wealthy shouldn’t be encouraged to adopt internationally, perhaps I should clarify that it is foremost the independently wealthy that I would like to see move out of their comfort zones for the sake of their children. I understand that people who lack the means to do so have other reasons besides their own comfort for staying put.
As for families having less control over their children than they think — I know there’s been a bit of research on that recently, which I haven’t read. If it’s true, then (as I believe was your point) the importance of living in diverse communities is even more important than ever.
Katie // April 20, 2009 at 6:37 pm |
SO in agreement with this. While not an adoptee, and not claiming to speak for adoptees, I was a mixed Korean kid raised in an all-white town and I would never, ever wish that experience on anyone.
teacher4708 // May 12, 2009 at 7:05 am |
When I was little and our family received the HI Families Holt newsletter and their early attempts at culture camp, any curiosity I had about my culture I took care to smash as soon as possible. Even though I wanted to know my culture, I never wanted to participate in any camp or cultural activity.
Back then, I knew a culture camp couldn’t possibly replicate or even introduce me to a culture. Because it was in isolation, and offered through a western lens. It seemed lame, frustrating, and a waste of my time. I knew it was a pseudo cultural offering, more for my parents than me.
In addition, it seemed like a way to exonerate my parents from their lack of understanding of what it is to be transracial.
In addition, I was fully experiencing internalized racism at the time and dreaded meeting other Koreans.
Would my parents have moved to a Korea town if there had been one located nearby?
No way.
Would my parents have sent me to Korean lessons regularly if there had been some offered?
No way.
Back then, the “best interests of the child” was to raise adopted children as white as possible. Because white=opportunity. Because asian=backwards country.
Times have changed. Programs have improved, and people think more deeply about the effects international adoption has on children. Yet I am still skeptical these programs are anything but a snack meant to stave off real hunger. But I still feel a lot of those racist ideas remain. They are merely addressed more artfully.
As for moving to a more culturally diverse area, why do anything uncomfortable or inconvenient when your child seems to assimilate so well? And if they aren’t assimilating so well, don’t adoptive parents have their hands full enough without adding the burden of moving to a new area? I mean, they couldn’t even be bothered to go visit the country I came from, to see it first hand. And now that some parents do, can they really think about it as being backwards? And can they not feel what it is like to be the other? And yet they still chose to sentence their child to living in mono-cultures where their child will always be an odd curiosity.
There is a level of selfishness going on here that hasn’t changed. It is a dismissal of the needs of an adopted child. An ethnic family wouldn’t think twice about moving to a multi-cultural area to comfort and protect their ethnic children.
Sang-Shil // May 12, 2009 at 8:03 am |
I like the distinction that Tafel made in her comment about things that are “adoptive family support” vs. “cultural experiences”. I think that culture camps can have their place as “adoptee support/networking,” but agree with you about what they can(‘t) offer as far as cultural education is concerned.
Your comment about your parents not bothering to visit the country you came from rings so true with me. My parents have each been to Korea exactly once (separately), and in each case it was because someone else was forcing them to go.
Mei-Ling // May 12, 2009 at 12:55 pm |
“Back then, I knew a culture camp couldn’t possibly replicate or even introduce me to a culture. Because it was in isolation, and offered through a western lens.”
That’s probably exactly why I didn’t like Chinese classes – it reinforced the fact that I was “the other.”