Adoption was my parents’ second choice. I don’t know exactly how far down the infertility treatment path they went, and I’m not sure that I really want to know just how distant their second choice was from their first. How many years of trying. How many dollars in futile doctor’s visits and medications and hormones and injections. I mean, it’s bad enough being second choice — I’m not sure I want to know just how second.
The way I look at it is facts are facts: adoption was my parents’ second choice. I consider it a kind of inconvenient truth, and to me, sugar-coating this truth is like sticking your head in the sand and trying to rewrite history. Trying to say that it somehow really wasn’t second choice, that all those wasted years TTC and those thousands of dollars on infertility treatments were a mistake, sounds suspiciously like revisionist history. Shouting loudly how much you love your kids and how YOU don’t think they’re second-best is great — and when you think about it, is exactly what adoptive parents should be thinking, if not doing — but that still doesn’t change facts.
I’ve read quite frequently these past few days that “second choice” does not equal “second best,” and if I try hard enough I can usually see the distinction. But it’s hard not to equate “second choice” with “second best,” because if something actually were the “first best,” wouldn’t it be your first choice? Unless, of course, you didn’t know any better back then… and it seems that an awful lot of adoptive parents apparently didn’t.
But really, does it matter what APs think if the adoptees don’t believe it themselves? Because there are many days when I STILL feel like I am second-best, that I am STILL a consolation prize, no matter how much my parents love me, and no matter how much (or how vehemently) they proclaim that love to others. Yeah, it kind of sucks, but that’s the way I feel, and I’m sorry if that makes some adoptive parents uncomfortable or get defensive. Really, these feelings of being second-best are damn inconvenient themselves, but they are mine and they are true for me right now.
There is another fact, another truth that I believe in: My parents love me very, very, much. They don’t blog (and may not even know what blogs are), but if they did I’m sure they would blog about how much they love me. They would probably even use such hackneyed phrases as “to the ends of the earth” or “more than life itself” and I would be forced to forgive the bad writing because, after all, they’re my parents.
To me, my parents’ love is also a truth, and a much more convenient one than being second choice/feeling second best. However, I refuse to let the convenient truths overwrite or overshadow the inconvenient ones. Their love, as wonderful, complete, resolute, (suffocating?) though it might be, cannot change the facts, nor does it change the way I feel. And I refuse to keep denying my feelings or to pretend I feel a certain way to make other people feel better. I’ve been there, done that, and it got me absolutely nowhere.
***********************************************
In the midst of all of this, I also have to wonder if I was also someone else’s second choice — my Korean parents’. Was placing me for adoption by the side of the road their first choice, or their second? Was I, a three? five?-day-old baby, an inconvenient truth myself? One that had to be disposed of quietly, lest I make things more complicated for their undoubtedly already complicated lives? A lot of the recent conversation has focused on adoptive parents’ choices, first and second, but I’m left wondering: Exactly how many and what kind of choices did my Korean parents have?
I wish I could ask them.
I wish my adoption had been my first parents’ second choice (with raising me being their first), but my second parents’ first choice.
Actually, as long as we’re making wishes, I wish I could have had any choice in the matter at all.
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PLEASE READ THIS RELATED POST:
30 responses so far ↓
Heather.PNR // May 30, 2008 at 2:56 am |
This is one of the best contributions to the discussion this week that I’ve read. It’s helping me sort some things out for myself. Thank you.
MH // May 30, 2008 at 3:19 am |
“I wish my adoption had been my first parents second choice (with raising me being their first), but my second parents’ first choice”
This one sentence makes me want to cry…
I <3 this post…
Second choice vs. Second best | this woman's work // May 30, 2008 at 8:30 am |
[...] Kim has a moving post explaining why sometimes we adoptive parents don’t do a whole lot of good with our fine [...]
Margie // May 30, 2008 at 9:44 am |
Perhaps because this subject isn’t one that has come up in conversation with my kids yet, I’ve deluded myself into thinking they aren’t feeling it. I realize reading this post that if it’s not something they’ve thought about yet, it is likely to be sooner or later. And they will likely follow you to the same conclusion – it simply is the only one: “I wish my adoption had been my first parents second choice (with raising me being their first), but my second parents’ first choice.”
Please know that I am taking every word in this post to heart.
Mei-Ling // May 30, 2008 at 11:46 am |
[But it’s hard not to equate “second choice” with “second best,” because if something actually were the “first best,” wouldn’t it be your first choice?]
You phrased it so much more gently and beautifully than I did.
serenityinseoul // May 30, 2008 at 1:18 pm |
Awesome post and I am so feeling you on all of this. What choices did our first parents have? That is the question I am wanting to investigate more and more these days. I’m piecing together why my parents chose adoption and from Korea, but ever since my first visit back to Korea in 2005 I’ve been questioning if there would have been another way for my first parents rather than to send me off to some strange family and live with the fact that they may never see me again.
suz // May 30, 2008 at 1:20 pm |
thank the good gods above someone got the point I was trying to make. clearly i failed since i am not an adoptee but thank you, thank you for saying what I was trying to say
junemoon // May 30, 2008 at 1:49 pm |
Sang-Shil ~ Your heartfelt post touches my heart. I honor your experience(s) and agree that both the convenient and inconvenient truths can, and do, co-exist without needing to trump the other.
As an adoptee who is keenly interested in adoptees’ lives, I very much appreciate your consistent tackling of tough subjects within our community. Your honesty is needed to continue, and in some cases, open the dialogues and as such, I highly value your contributions. and your heart. junemoon
Christina // May 30, 2008 at 1:52 pm |
We chose adoption, not due to infertility but just because I always wanted to adopt (my two older sisters were adopted). But we had our two bio kids first and then adopted two children… this was not a matter of 1st choice/2nd choice but because a psych professor in college told me that when a family adopts and then later has a bio child the first child often feels that they weren’t good enough and that the family would have preferred a bio child all along. All that to say, I would be really sad if my two younger children ever felt “2nd best” because they were adopted after we had bio kids. But as you say, every person is entitled to their feelings, and the most I can do is reassure them each and every day that they were every bit as much of a first choice child as their older siblings.
Just a thought… if you didn’t marry your first boyfriend, does that mean your husband wasn’t your first choice? Because maybe life just happens in a certain order, and in some cases that means couples go through infertility before they realize that adoption is a better choice – before they find that they love their child who was adopted as deeply (or perhaps even more deeply?) as they might have loved any child who came to them biologically. Please understand, I do not mean to negate what you are saying, I’m only trying to add to the conversation a little.
Thanks for giving me something important to think about today.
Paula O. // May 30, 2008 at 2:28 pm |
Yes, yes and yes.
I, too, love this post.
Mama Nabi // May 30, 2008 at 4:37 pm |
…this was timely for me… as you may have already read on mine, LN recently was secondary to THING’s addiction. My heart simply stopped. Snarky postings aside… my heart did feel a deep ache.
She at least will always know that she was, is, and will always be my first choice.
I heart skipped while reading this post… because it put together the feelings I was projecting for LN, despite the fact that she is still only 3 years old and may never know her father picked something else over spending time with her… unless he continues to do so….
Okay, this did sound more about me than about you… but I hope you get where I’m going with this… no matter what the intentions were, what the end results were… a child cannot help but want that validation. My mother was very open about the fact that they didn’t want a second child (i.e. me) when they had me, as in they hadn’t decided yet, I was an OOPS. That affected how I viewed myself within the family, and sometimes within my place in various social networks.
Yeah… so I (in my non-KAD way) kind of have an inkling… I guess my little angst multiplied a lifetime. *hugs*
Ji In // May 30, 2008 at 11:50 pm |
Exactly!
Ansley // May 31, 2008 at 12:12 am |
Oh, Sang Shil… My heart hangs on these words.
Sang-Shil // May 31, 2008 at 12:42 pm |
HeatherPNR — Thank you for reading and commenting.
MH — Aww, I less-than-three YOU!
Margie — I actually didn’t start thinking about this until a few years ago, when I first asked my parents (as an adult) why they had adopted. Obviously not every adoptee will feel this way or even care, and (as I’m sure you know) the only way to find out what your kids think is to ask them, and rely on the good relationships that you have with them that they will be honest with you.
Mei-Ling — well, we all have different styles and ways of wording things…
SY — that is exactly what I can’t stop thinking about… and even if there weren’t many choices back in the ’70’s, we should be focusing on how to create more choices for Korean parents today. There has to be more that can be done, there just has to be.
And Suz, thank YOU for writing the comments that you did. I felt so relieved to read your interpretation of the original post, and appreciate that someone was actually trying to understand how at least some *adoptees* might feel. Your comments gave me much of the courage to write this post.
junemoon — thank you, as always, for your unwavering kindness and support. Sometimes the hardest things to write are the things that most need to be said.
Christina — I think it’s interesting what your psych professor said, because I could also see it the other way — an adoptee resenting the fact that her parents only considered adoption AFTER they’d had their bio kids first. This obviously isn’t true in your situation since you had always wanted to adopt, but I can see how adoptees with older bio siblings might still feel “second choice,” even if their adoptions weren’t a result of infertility. Still thinking about the other question you raised.
Paula and Ji In — thank you; your comments mean so much to me. Yay for sister-KAD bloggers!
MN — Don’t worry, I understand exactly where you were going. I think you’re right that all children want that validation… and so sad that LN can’t get that from her daddy. For her sake I certainly hope that changes.
Ansley — thank you for reading, even when it hurts.
Sang-Shil // June 15, 2008 at 8:28 pm |
Follow-up post to Christina’s question is here:
Not MY Happy Ending
Possum // June 1, 2008 at 8:53 pm |
Great post.
Thank you for putting into word – what my heart has been feeling.
I just hadn’t put it all together.
*sigh*
Poss. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
choosy mothers « Mother Issues // June 2, 2008 at 1:43 pm |
[...] thinking of themselves as “second best,” with some of my favorite comments coming from Sang-Shil, complemented by Jae Ran’s thoughts about finding families for children rather than the [...]
Erin // June 12, 2008 at 11:34 pm |
It is a really hard distinction to make sometimes. We did try hard to have a second biological child. It was hard for me to accept that it wouldn’t happen (my husband had been all for adoption much earlier than I was). We did turn to adoption afterwards, once I’d accepted that it wouldn’t happen. Was it a second choice? Yes, clearly. Is it second best? Not in a million years (forgive me the bad writing also). It took me a long time to realize that, to open my heart to it. I try not to revise history but it’s one of those cases when “If I’d known then what I know now…” I hope that I can convey that to K, and the other children that we will adopt, someday.
Unfortunately, the children involved in adoption are the only ones who DON’T have a choice. I feel a huge responsibility to K that he always know that we recognize that he didn’t have a choice: first, second, or any other. Had he had a choice, it surely would not have involved us being his family and bringing him halfway around the world. There is a huge burden of responsibility on adoptive parents that goes along with this decision.
Sang-Shil // June 13, 2008 at 10:25 am |
Poss and Erin — thanks for visiting and commenting; and Thorn, thanks for linking.
Christina — I did write a response to the second part of your comment above, and am going to publish it as a separate post.
Also, if people haven’t yet read Julia’s thoughts on this topic, I encourage folks to click on over.
Not MY Happy Ending « Land of the Not-So-Calm // June 15, 2008 at 3:25 pm |
[...] doesn’t mean that adoption is somehow second choice/second best. Christina proposed this in her comment on a previous post, but I’d seen it a number of times on other blogs as well. She wrote: [...]
Jen // June 23, 2008 at 9:17 am |
Thanks for opening up many eyes on this. My kids are too young yet with this conversation but I know that it will be a difficult one.
Self-Esteem and Adoption « Land of the Not-So-Calm // September 23, 2008 at 6:52 pm |
[...] that last sentence in bold. it’s similar to some of the things I was trying to say in those second-choice/second-best posts a while ago, except that Kenneth Watson is an esteemed adoption professional and [...]
My Favorite Posts « Land of the Not-So-Calm // February 23, 2009 at 11:55 am |
[...] An Inconvenient Truth – written during the adoption-as-second-best debate last year. I know that it hurts [...]
Peggy // June 15, 2009 at 2:22 pm |
Full disclosure: I am an adoptive parent. I have struggled with my own self-esteem issues (for my own particular issues) my whole life so I know how that feels. Infertility seemed like one more way I was not going to get one of the simple things I wanted that “the other kids had” and yes, I said clearly (before parenthood) that while adoption might not be my first choice it was better than nothing at all. However – and this is the part you need to hear loud and clear, as it is my truth – I was shocked and amazed at how that feeling disappeared to the point that I didn’t even remember having it. Part of this is how much I love my daughter, but it is not just about my feelings of love. I have a kid I could never have given birth to – who is in many ways BETTER than any kid I could have given birth to, and I never could have imagined this. There is a list of about a thousand things I could not have imagined before becoming a parent, and this is near the top but it has a lot of company. So while your feelings are very real, so are the feelings of your parents and it is possible that their feelings could have changed over time. Mine did. That’s all I’m saying. As much as I wanted kids I never ever imagined I could love anyone this much. And I do – every day – and every day I am grateful she is exactly who she is – all of her. That’s my truth. And whatever feelings she has about all this is her truth, and I do not expect it all to match. One truth can support another one, but also, one truth does not cancel out another. Learning to love oneself is just about the hardest thing in the world…but if you can work on it and get yourself farther along the path, you can become a happier person and eventually, if you go for it, a better parent. And that is why the struggle is worth it. In my life, whatever will make me a better parent is what I need and want to do. Love is not just a feeling. Love is action. My two cents.
Teresa // June 15, 2009 at 2:48 pm |
Sang Shil and other adoptees,
Unlike some a-parents, I didn’t exhaust options in fertility treatments to become pregnant. We tried “the old fashioned way” for many years, it didn’t work; we tried again, still nothing, and eventually we moved on. We wanted to be parents – shared biology was not necessary. Why not adoption first? It wasn’t part of our family nomenclature; it was foreign to us until we became educated because of our desire to parent a child or children.
But, if I hadn’t tried to have children biologically, I wouldn’t have the wonderful children I have today. In other words, if adoption had been my first choice, my children would not have been born yet and I would have adopted different kids, and without a doubt in the world I know my kids were meant to be my kids, and I was meant to be their mom.
If your a-parents went the adoption route first, they wouldn’t have you and you wouldn’t have them. How sad would that be? There is a reason for each moment, each season in our lives. We need to go through them to get to the next.
Peace,
Teresa
Sang-Shil // June 15, 2009 at 8:06 pm |
Peggy — I’m not sure you’re familiar with some of the backstory of this post and the brouhaha that preceded it, but the entire point was to present MY feelings as an adoptee after reading pages and pages of adoptive parents SHOUTING (yes, shouting) about how much they love their children, with the implication being that “love was enough”. I have absolutely no doubt about any parent’s love for her or his children, trust me on that. But in all that noise, no one was talking about how an adoptee might feel, which I thought was odd because isn’t adoption (theoretically at least) all about the adoptee? Clearly not every adoptee will share my opinion or my truth, but as you can tell from some of the comments above this, I am not alone in feeling this way.
As for feelings/convictions changing, I definitely agree that they can (and frequently do) change. However, while such changes are important and significant, they do not negate, erase, or re-write the original motivations. But really, this post was not really about ANY adoptive parents’ “truth” — not my own parents, and certainly not anyone else’s. As I wrote in my follow-up post, does anyone actually care what adult adoptees think? Or does everything always have to be about the adoptive parents??
Believe it or not, adoptive parents actually have the upper hand in the adoption so-called triad, and I’d say that is what you need to hear “loud and clear”.
Sang-Shil // June 15, 2009 at 8:14 pm |
Teresa — If my parents had gone the adoption route first, I probably would have been adopted by another *gag* “forever family” — what’s so sad about that? I don’t share your “meant to be” beliefs, and so in this circumscribed situation, the parents are just as fungible as the children.
As for the “reason for each moment” line of reasoning, please read the follow-up post that I wrote on that topic, and why it’s just more of the same AP-centric thinking that dominates so many of the adoption-related conversations that I hear.
Peace to you too.
- Sang-Shil
JJ // June 16, 2009 at 4:13 am |
You absolutely have the right to feel the way you do and I appreciate your point of view. But I have to say I hope my children never feel that way. My daughters I adopted from China were my first and only choice. I am single and I chose to adopt as a means to have a family. I have no idea if I am fertile or not, though if I were married and infertile I would not like to be disallowed to adopt because it was a “second choice.” I chose China for personal reasons. No my girls didn’t have a choice. One was almost 7 and at first she did not like my choice (I did not know this beforehand). Yes I did feel like a horrible kidnapper for the longest time, but now she is very happy, brainwashed no doubt
My baby immediately loved the choice I made because she liked being held and having enough to eat, and today she is just as happy because she just loves life.
Just as a biological child would not have had a choice to be born and to which parents, my children did not have a choice as to which parent they got stuck with. All parents must make choices for their children, and those children, should they become parents, will make choices for their children. We all get a turn. But I am sad that some adoptees feel the decision was the wrong one. I am sad that my children have to wonder who they were born to and why they were not kept and what would their lives have been like if they had not been given up.
I did not take lightly removing my children from their culture, but yes I made a decision, however selfishly, that they were not going to something less and probably, hopefully, it was something more. Which I know is a very unpopular view with some adoptees, but I am not selfish enough to bring them into a situation that I did NOT feel was better, though they know my goal in life was to be a mom and they were dearly wanted. We can only make the decisions as best we can for our children at the time, and hopefully they will not resent us for them, will not think negatively of being loved and wanted, whether it was a first or second or third choice. If they do, yes that is their right, but I am happy that at this point my 12-year-olds are as happy with me as I am with them. I am happy they choose to not see their lives as a first or second choice but just as an ordinary life with a family where we all care about, respect and love each other – yes, one of those sickening forever families, not because we are an adoptive family but because we are a team and we love each other’s company. I am not writing off your feelings as negative or irrelevant – quite the contrary. I appreciate the knowledge that some adoptees feel this way and I know at some point it could be my children who do and if I were not prepared for that it would totally devastate me. If they ever come to this conclusion I will love them no less and will still have no regrets about the best choice I ever made – to become their mother.
Sang-Shil // June 16, 2009 at 9:15 am |
Hi JJ, and thanks for your comment. In all honestly, I hope that your children (or anyone else’s, for that matter) never feel this way either. As I mentioned in the post, it pretty much sucks. But, also as I mentioned, this is my truth for me at this moment, and I have chosen to face it head-on rather than continue the charade of pretending otherwise that I have performed for most of my life.
As I’ve learned in part from reading AP blogs, adoption *has* to be motivated by somewhat “selfish” desires on the part of the adoptive parents; this is not a bad thing. Because otherwise, adoption (on the AP side) is driven by the savior/rescue mentality that is even more anathama to me than selfishness. (As an aside, it may be helpful to think of life in China vs. America in terms of different situations, rather than better situations. Because how can we put different kinds of losses on a scale, with material/physical losses on one side and loss of language, culture, and family members on the other… and then assign a value judgment?)
I’m glad that your family is happy now, and sincerely hope that it will remain that way as your daughters become teenagers and then adults. Being prepared for things that may never happen is always a much wiser course of action than denial and ignorance, and I wish both you and your daughters well.
Missy // September 7, 2009 at 12:47 am |
I remember when I found out that my Mom was preggers.. when she HAD TO marry my etoh-addict father (this sort of put the years of poverty, foster care for 4 years etc. into some perspective) but I remember thinking/feeling like I was the cause of the trainwreck that was my parents’s life.. and thereby the trainwreck that was MY life for too long. Had I not been started.. well, you can follow that to its natural conclusion. I HATED feeling that way.
I adopted… I have no idea if we shoulda/woulda/coulda given birth… I had no desire to repeat the genes of the past on either my or my DH’s side.. (seriously – they have some bad genes too).
Adoption was my only choice.. period. I don’t know if that means my kids will grow up feeling better about it or not… I know it sucks to feel like you are not wanted… and you know more than most what the circumstances of birth can mean to a person..
What got me to the place.. which I tell my littles… is that NO CHILD is responsible for any ADULT action… we are mere pawns… moved this way or that.. innocent and blame-free. My children are not responsible for their being adopted….. just as I was not for being conceived. I hope that my kids GET that I really did want THEM – BOTH exactly as they are… my son the waiting child and my daughter the baby… I can WISH things were different for them.. just as I did for my little person self… wishing just won’t make it so… but I can TRY to help them grow loving themselves… and if I succeed – it is because someone like you took the time to write it all down…. so I know what to look out for. I can’t thank you enough.. M