When I was reading through the comments on the post titled “Better Than What?”, I noticed that the idea of comfort zones and comfort levels came up a few times, both explicitly and indirectly.
In atlasien’s first comment, she writes:
The one really concrete thing white adoptive parents can do to make things even a little bit easier — MOVE TO A LESS HOSTILE PLACE — isn’t discussed as much as it should be.
My response to this is yes, yes, and YES! I actually wrote a bit about the importance of living in a more diverse neighborhood already in a previous post, and I encourage you to check out the link in that post to Ji In’s thoughts on this topic if you haven’t already done so.
When I mention the idea of moving to a more diverse/less hostile community (or read responses to similar suggestions online), I frequently hear white adoptive parents protest that concerns about “education” or “housing” or even “safety” require that they live in predominantly white areas. Thus, a conversation about race is reconstructed as a conversation about something else – something more acceptable and defensible to people who want to think that issues of race somehow don’t impact them.
Furthermore, these kinds of responses imply that moving to a place where their kids do not by themselves constitute the “diversity” of a community is a nice/good idea in theory, but simply not practicable for the responder’s inevitably “unique” situation. To me, these are still more examples of adoptive parents’ unwillingness to move outside their comfort zone, and instead force their adopted children to always be the ones who have to change and adapt.
I also think that this is related to the sentiments raised by Mee Hee and Mei-Ling about the challenges that transracial adoptees face in affiliating and identifying with their non-adopted same-race/culture peers. I completely understand the frustrations that they mentioned in terms of connecting with other Asian-Americans. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have always felt somewhat out-of-place or uncomfortable with other Asians — even when there weren’t any overt competitions or judging going on. To fully explain why would require a lengthy separate post, and even then I’m not sure that I could communicate exactly how I feel. At any rate, I think it’s more than a little sad that one of the times when I am most outside of my comfort zone is when I am surrounded by my own people.
However, I firmly believe that in my case, this restricted comfort zone is not entirely of my own making. As atlasien suggests in one of her later comments, if adoptive parents forge strong connections to Asian-American communities while their children are very young, then identifying and feeling comfortable with these groups is much more likely to happen later on. I am becoming increasingly convinced that if I had grown up surrounded by more Asian faces, including Asian-American adults who could serve as role models, then I would have a much broader and more resilient comfort zone. (If there are any Asian adoptees who were adopted by Asian parents reading here, I’d appreciate any thoughts you have on this.)
This is not to downplay the differences between transracially adopted Asian-Americans and non-adopted Asian-Americans. As Mei-Ling and Mee Hee point out, there are advantages to having parents who are the same race/culture as you, no matter how American-ized (or European-ized, or whatever) it may be. Looking back at my own childhood, it would have have been great to have more connections with BOTH other Korean adoptees AND Korean-Americans (and people of other races/cultures, period).
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Last summer I attended a barbecue where the majority of attendees were Asian-American, in itself a very rare occurrence for me. I debated for a long time about whether or not to go, and eventually decided it would be good to step out of my comfort zone for an afternoon. When I got there, I was surprised to see a white adoptive mother there with her Chinese daughter. I was even more surprised to see that she seemed more comfortable there than I did.
I mentioned to her that I was adopted, and asked if she was involved with Families with Children from China (FCC) at all. She said that she attended some of their events, but that she actually preferred to be more involved with the (non-adoptive) Chinese-American community center due to some of the attitudes and mindsets towards Chinese-Americans that she had encountered in her particular FCC chapter. Perhaps most significantly, she moved near Chinatown so that her daughter could attend public schools with a high percentage of Chinese-American children.
I didn’t get to talk to her for long, but it didn’t seem like she crossed over that admittedly fuzzy line into cultural appropriation. She knew very well that she wasn’t Chinese herself, and I don’t think she was claiming to be anything (or anyone) that she wasn’t.
Rather, I got the impression that she was happily moving outside of her comfort zone for the person that she loved more than anyone else in the world: her daughter.
15 responses so far ↓
Mei-Ling // April 13, 2008 at 11:41 am |
[At any rate, I think it’s more than a little sad that one of the times when I am most outside of my comfort zone is when I am surrounded by my own people.]
Yes, I felt that way during the Chinese New Year’s party. They were my people, of course, but they came from immigrated families – they all retained their mother tongue, whereas I was the only one who couldn’t possibly have had that opportunity growing up here.
Speaking of which, you’ve just reminded me of a post in-the-making (still in my head
) regarding this issue – about being around other Asian-Americans.
It was interesting because last night I had using voice clips to chat with a native Chinese speaker – and damn, I’d forgotten just how difficult it was.
Margaret // April 13, 2008 at 12:24 pm |
“When I mention the idea of moving to a more diverse/less hostile community (or read responses to similar suggestions online), I frequently hear white adoptive parents protest that concerns about “education” or “housing” or even “safety” require that they live in predominantly white areas.”
While this is true to some extent, these parents just haven’t looked hard enough and placed enough emphasis on finding the right neighborhood where there kids will be comfortable.
I can speak for myself. We are currently looking for a place to live. It is crucial for us to move to an area where my kids will be around other Asian people. While we believe at this point that we have found the right neighborhood (actually about 10% Asian and not super-white) I can tell you that while these areas exist, you have to really seek them out. I was frustrated for a long time. Every time I’d find a neighborhood that had a sizable Asian population, I usually couldn’t afford to live there or it was either in or near the inner city (we’re in the inner city now) and there was the concern about crime and education.
My advice to these parents: seek and ye shall find. This is too important to overlook.
mama2roo // April 13, 2008 at 12:57 pm |
nicely written and everything you say makes perfect sense. Sorry I haven’t stopped by in awhile
An Adoptive Parent // April 13, 2008 at 3:36 pm |
I mentioned to her that I was adopted, and asked if she was involved with Families with Children from China (FCC) at all. She said that she attended some of their events, but that she actually preferred to be more involved with the (non-adoptive) Chinese-American community center due to some of the attitudes and mindsets towards Chinese-Americans that she had encountered in her particular FCC chapter.
——> Good points. I actually think many FCC chapters do more harm than good because they promote Chinese cultural-driven activities in a vaccum (white parents planning & excuting these activities). This allows AP’s to feel like they are participating in something authentically cultural for their child. I think there is valaidation in adoptees associating with one another, but not under the context of hokey pokey culture. Further, I wander how many FCC board of directors have Chinese Americans sitting on them? I wander how many fund authentic cultural events w/in the C.A. community? We live in an area with a large FCC chapter and there is not C.A. on the board.
Christina // April 13, 2008 at 6:53 pm |
We’ve been involved with our local FamCam (families with children from Cambodia) and I’m always impressed with the way that the local University Cambodian student group joins and often directs many of the activities for the kids. It’s great for the kids to interact with Cambodian young adults and I think it helps all of us get a little out of our comfort zones. We’ve also attended some local Vietnamese and Cambodian community events and my kids love it. (well, my two older bio kids are uncomfortable, but that’s mostly because they don’t like crowds. In any case, I tell them now they know how it feels to be the minority) But I totally agree on the importance of living someplace where my Asian kids aren’t the only people of color in their classes. We live in a relatively diverse area now (especially when we go to the mall, which is in a more diverse city) and we are moving to an even more diverse area where Asians are about 20% of the student body. In seeking the best schools/neighborhoods for my kids, I included the diversity of the student body – I don’t think it would be the “best” if they aren’t comfortable.
Margie // April 13, 2008 at 8:17 pm |
Many thoughts on this post, which is really good.
First, this is powerful: “their kids do not by themselves constitute the “diversity” of a community”
Re getting outside of the a-parent comfort zone: What I wish I could get adoptive parents to understand is that the moment you make the connection you will find yourself in a new comfort zone, one that will benefit your children immeasurably. When my kids were younger, a Korean American acquaintance and I came to the realization of how important this was at almost the same time. We reached out to each other and began to work actively together within the adoptive and Korean American community. The connection has grown and changed over the years, and is now a strong relationship between our local Korean Focus chapter and a variety of KA community groups. We would be lost without those connections. To me, they are the most important thing an adoption support organization can do for its members.
I really really like this post, you have just nailed these issues. I just wish there was a magic wand to go with it to get parents on board!
Eli // April 13, 2008 at 9:44 pm |
Quote:
I frequently hear white adoptive parents protest that concerns about “education” or “housing” or even “safety” require that they live in predominantly white areas.
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Great post, but from a parent’s point of view the issues of education/race/safety often trump concerns and considerations of proximity to race. We live in a very diverse large city. We’ve also had break ins, a fatal shooting down the street, and our city’s schools are a mess once you get past 5th grade (we would know, my husband taught high school for our city for 5 years). We bought a house in the city partially because we wanted our children to grow up in a diverse neighborhood, and go to school with people from different cultures. My husband was raised in the inner city, a white family in an almost entirely black neighborhood, and his parents have very strong beliefs about the importance of living in a diverse neighborhood. My husband was attacked and beaten (he could have died) when he was a teenager…by a gang who wanted to steal his baseball bat. Even with that, we thought we’d try living in the city.
I used to believe in “being the change we want in the world,” but then I had kids. I’m all for being change, and living my beliefs, but not when it means my kids’ lives are at stake, or that they’ll have to attend schools where subjects are taught several grade levels behind where they should be taught. Not when I can’t trust that they won’t be attacked at the local park.
There are ways to live our beliefs that don’t involve gun infested neighborhoods, regular break ins, and schools so bad the state is thinking of taking them over.
We can choose to live in very diverse city (not suburban)suburbs (the one we’re looking at has about a 30% minority population), make efforts to connect with local Asian community events and groups, and all kinds of other things.
I get what you’re saying, and I know I sound defensive. I feel bad that my ideals have changed over the years…but man, have a couple of kids and then try living in a place where you fear for their safety and their future.
I want to live in a diverse community, but I want to live in a safe diverse community. Luckily, a few of them exist in our area.
If those areas didn’t exist in our area, though, I’d be taking the first ticket to suburbanville. You can find ways, make efforts, to regularly surround your child and family with Asian Americans and other cultural groups. But no ammount of personal effort can make your child’s school acceptable, stop people from breaking into your car/house/garage, or keep people with guns from killing innocent cashiers and business owners. That goes beyond what one person or family can do, or even what a dedicated neighborhood association can do.
When as a parent it comes down to personal beliefs vs. the safety of your children, the “right thing to do” becomes a lot more murky. Getting back to your quote, I don’t protest the idea of living in a diverse neighborhood…just the idea of living in an unsafe neighborhood. Thankfully one doesn’t have to mean the other.
KTMH // April 14, 2008 at 12:55 am |
I really agree with the whole discomfort around other Asian-Americans as a partially “adoptive parent made” situation…especially in my case.
I was always sent to Korean camps and had interactions with Korean adoptees from a very young age. My parents had a support group within these intl adoption circles with other adoptive parents, I had other adoptees. And I know I’m “lucky” to have had that opportunity.
But when I think about my interactions with actual Asian-Americans raised by Asian parents, my list of said instances dwindles to one, maybe two at most. And I really think it has to do with my parents’ discomfort at trying to integrate with Asian American families. Sure, they integrated with other adoptive parents…but as far as bringing any sort of Asian-American role models for me as a child (besides the older KADs in the community) I was left with mirror images of them to learn from–white adoptive parents.
The story about the Chinese adoptive mother sounds like she deliberately and thoughtfully pondered about what is best for her daughter and acted on it–instead of talking circles around it or making excuses. That’s really something to be commended.
Thought provoking post!
Eli // April 14, 2008 at 8:40 am |
AGH! No joke, someone broke into our garage last night while we were sleeping. I’m sitting here waiting for the police to come so I can make (another!) break in report…the kids are all antsy because they know I was going to take them to the zoo this morning.
This sucks. Our neighbors’ cars and garages were all broken into, too.
I love our neighborhood, I love our neighbors, but the crime is something I’d like to live without. As soon as we can afford to move to one of those neighborhoods I talked about (lots of diversity, very low crime)…we’re outta here.
KTMH // April 23, 2008 at 7:21 am |
This is a late response, but part of the problem to crime in cities is the phenomenon of “white flight”. Meaning, that when people of the majority race decide to leave a city (or even a suburb, in some cases) people become less invested in areas that are mostly comprised of racial minorities. Thus, the schools generally deteriorate (no quality teachers will want to teach there), the efforts to “clean up” the city dwindle (not enough reason for them to stay invested in these areas if white families are leaving and all that is left is poor, minority families), and crime eventually runs rampant because the city is labeled a high crime area by police.
This is not my way of negating anyone’s wishes for the safety of their children or their family. I can understand why you would want to leave. But I think it is important to understand the socio-economic reasons that this phenomenon keeps occurring.
And yes, I understand one family or one person is just one in a huge wave movement. And yes, you can always beat yourselves over the head with Ghandi’s “be the change” quote. But I don’t think that is the issue. I think the issue is for our institutions to understand that this is happening and provide the support needed so that families won’t feel the need to leave.
The only way that we can stop this cycle–making city/school/govt officials aware of the issue so that there will be proper support given to communities (regardless of their race affiliations) so that this type of “flight” doesn’t need to occur anymore b/c the change will occur from the inside out. It’s just a very slow process.
This is a great program where I learned so much about this issue (a rep from this dept came and spoke at my work): http://www.irpumn.org/website/
Apparently, the state of MN is actually one of the WORST in the nation when it comes to racial/socio-economic segregation. Not something to be proud of–AT ALL!
Anyway, just wanted to throw that out there…and remember, I’m not attacking individuals…I’m attacking our institutions that promote this cycle.
Sang-Shil // April 23, 2008 at 8:17 am |
KTMH — thank you for such an informative comment; you put words to some of my thoughts on and reactions to earlier comments, but in a much more intelligent and rational way.
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Kohana // April 28, 2008 at 5:32 am |
We’ve just up and moved across the world for several reasons, a major one being our hopes to raise our children in a more truly integrated and accepting city. I think though, that so much comes down to the individual child and what they need in their environment to help them grow strong.
For example, in this move we are now in a place where my son’s ethnicity is not very present but mixed race families, multiracial people, and people of color of other ethnicities are all around us. Also, we are in a place that seems (upon or introductory experiences) to have a significantly less class differences between ethnicities than the city we left. In time we will see if our son needs to be in a situation where there are more opportunities to make friends with people who share his ethnicity, even if that means moving back into an environment where he might experience more racism.
I don’t really know where I’m going with the comment, except to say that even parents who are willing to leave everything to move for the benefit of their children might not get it right. It is in looking at the child, as they grow and change, that we can adapt our choices to meet their needs.
shannon // April 29, 2008 at 8:36 pm |
“Rather, I got the impression that she was happily moving outside of her comfort zone for the person that she loved more than anyone else in the world: her daughter.”
Amen to that. My number one priority is that my children grow up to be 100% comfortable around people who look like them.
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